5. numb…

General state of mind these days? Numb.

I suppose being numb is a little better than being depressed or lonely (my other two most common emotional states these days) but not by much. Numb is different from being content, numb is not a zen-like balance, numb is just a dull, throbing nothing. Now that I think about it, it’s really worse than being depressed or lonely. When I’m lonely I go looking and that’s something. Whem I’m depressed I try to find some diversion and that’s something. Numb makes me want to turn on the television and surf channel after channel of nothing and that’s me at my worst.

There’s a part of me that now understands why some people inflict pain upon themselves. I can’t remember the name of the disorder or the condition but if anyone has seen the movie Secretary, it’s what the main character would do to herself in the first half of the movie. She had this box and inside were razors and other sharp objects. There’s one scene where she takes a little ballerina out of this box and sharpens the toe to a point and presses it to the inside of her thigh where no one will notice the scar. At one point, her boss, Edward confronts her about this behavior and he says that she does this to bring the pain she feels inside up to the surface.

From what I remember reading about this condition, this may be the case but there are other instances where people do this because they just want to feel something, anything. I had no idea what that meant when I first read it but I understand it now.

Please don’t go looking for scars on my body, I’m not about to start something like that. Just because I understand something does not mean I think it’s a good idea. I think it’s sad and misguided…but I understand.

Numb has no inertia, no velocity, no vector. I may as well be sleeping.

Tomorrow’s potential topic: the issues I have with God (bring a lightning rod).

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