35. …throwing around an idea…(fiction, sort of)
He realizes that he’s been going through life with the wrong lenses on. But he’s an analyical sort so rather than just blindly disbarking towards a new view of life, he begins formulating a kind of calcus of life. Unfortunately, he’s never been very good at math.
He calls it a calcus of life because he wants a kind of formula for how to take in and analyze life. He uses the word calcus because he knows that any system that attemps to encapsulate life will be more complex than algebra or geometry (the extent of his math education). He knows nothing about calculus except that it’s hard and it’s a language spoken with geeky-cool looking symbols.
He knows that there are different ways of looking at life. Some take on life with an unswerving optimism or pessimism, but for him, that’s not enough. Seeing life that way is just packaging – a bright wrapper or a dark one. Not enough.
Some think that the universe conforms itself to their perception of it. This is a tempting way to think about life and to a degree it’s true. All we do as individuals is take in the world and the conclusions we draw from that input becomes our reality. It’s not a great leap to think that you could reverse the process – begin with a version of reality that you want to see and believe in that vision so powerfully that it influences, bends, compells the universe to confirm to it.
But he doesn’t buy this. Not after he read the story of Rachel, the author who wrote and spoke about just such universe altering ways of thinking. All her powers of thought could not change the reality of the hungry, sweaty, animal of a man forcing himself upon her after breaking into her home.
This is just an idea I’m throwing around. I know it has something to do with this new outlook on life that I’m formulating. Like the character I was writing about, I know it’s something new, something made up of bits and pieces of the ways I used to try to order the world but put back together as a kind of composite, a matrix where the individual elements are interactive.
It’s very unfocused, unformed, random. I’m going to use any kind of writing I can to try to figure it out. There may be some odd blogs (and some mundane ones) still to come.