65. the opposite sex

I’m no linguist but I think that’s such an interesting way to differentiate between the genders – to refer to them as opposites. I mean, I’m no doctor either (really?) so I don’t know the exact statistics but I’d bet male and female share a good 90 percent of the plumbing – hardly enough to be called opposite.

I suppose I could enter the deadly minefield where the differences between the way men and women’s minds work are discussed…but even there there are far more similarities than differences. We focus on the differences because that’s our nature.

So what’s the deal with this, “opposite,” business? It’s not like men walk on their hands or women eat with their toes.

I don’t know. Having never (that’s right, never) been in a relationship, I suppose it’s easy for me to downplay the differences…I mean, what do I know? All those stories about the guy and the girl – purely a product of my imagination and what I’ve managed to glean from movies and books and television and comedians (the great comedians are always experts in human nature and interaction – they can teach you a lot). It’s not a very reliable way to learn about life, but I take what I can get.

I learned quickly enough that entertainment stereotypes don’t translate well in real life. Here’s one example. Watch enough VH-1’s Behind The Music and you get the idea that being in a band equals getting chicks. WTF? I must smell like guano or something because I have never met any women after any gig with any of the bands I’ve ever been in. Of course, I’ve never really made an effort to try to talk to women after these gigs (I’m shy and I have no game…see blog 62). On top of that, one of the last bands I was in was this pretty heavy, chunky band called Apartment 3. The women who’d show up for those shows usually looked like they’d kick my ass and steal my bus pass if I tried talking to them. The band I’m in now? Those women seem far too cool and artsy…oh and far too young.

Oh, and along the same lines, I remember when I was in college I had a little solo gig where I would sing and play guitar in a little coffee shop on Waialae Ave. I remember I specifically had two goals in mind when doing those gigs. One was to get better at the guitar – I hate practicing but I knew playing in front of people would make me discipline myself. The other was to see if it was true that musicians got women. The results? Well, I got better as a guitar player… Of course it would probably have helped if there were actually people there to listen to me play. I had the distinct misfortune of starting my solo coffee shop career right when Starbucks hit the island. I guess I could have tried my luck with the wait help, some of them were really cute but as I remember it they all had big scary boyfriends. And besides, I’m not one to steal anyone away from anyone else.

Anyway, all of this is just a really long way of saying that I have a lot to learn about the opposite sex…and even though I kind of started out diss-ing that term, what else are we going to say…”the other sex?”

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