92. conflict of interests

Okay, here’s the deal.

So the other night I went out with this girl (let’s call her Apples) and I had a nice time.

But…

But I’m actually attracted to/infatuated with this other girl (let’s call her Oranges).

But…

But even though I have deep, amazing, inspiring conversations with Oranges, we’re so different in so many different ways that I doubt we’d have a chance together (or a more bluntly, I don’t think she’d be interested in me at all).

So…

So I’m wondering if there was a part of me that burdened Apples with the expectation of the kind of conversations I have with Oranges.

See…

See (and yes, this is me thinking too much again but…but I’ll get to that in a second) I think I’m more compatible with Apples in more areas, but the conversations are SO good with Oranges that I wonder if that would make up for all the other areas of incompatibility (factor in the fact that the conversation aspect is the one most important to me).

Back to the but (tee hee)…

I wish I could just be more carefree about the whole thing BUT it’s not just my feelings on the line here. My motto in life has always been, “do no harm.” I mean, there are exceptions to that but in general, it’s something that gets me by in life. And so that’s why I get so twisted up in knots over all this relationship stuff – I don’t want to risk hurting anyone. If this were something that only affected me, I wouldn’t think so much because I can deal with self-inflicted injuries but when someone else’s emotions are involved…

And you know what? I’ll bet there are people reading this blog and they’re about ready to tear their hair out in large, bloody clumps because I’m being so retarded about this. Hell, I’m writing this shit and I almost want to tear my own hair out (but I won’t because it’s at that perfect two-weeks-after-the-last-cut length and it looks BANGIN’!)

Yes, I’m being an idiot. But I blame that on bad training as a teenager. All this great advice about confidence is welcome and needed (and it goes back to blog 45…see comments from my friend Martin writing as “Harrison”). But I become a blabbering idiot when interest and attraction take hold. I have a reasonably (as in not over-exaggerated) good self-image and normally I’m pretty comfortable in my own skin. I mean I wouldn’t be able to be as open and honest in these blogs if that wasn’t the case. But I have no game and all that groovy self-confidence evaporates when attraction becomes part of the mix.

Okay, I’m starting to get mad at myself now, because I’m finally beginning to see what a wus I can be. Frankly, it’s embarrassing. But I literally have no experience with this sort of thing and my record with women is oh-for-everyone-I’ve-ever-been-interested-in (zero wins, all losses). And that’s something that weighs heavily on me. Goes to show you don’t need history to acquire baggage.

Springsteen lyrics come to mind here “end up like a dog that’s been beat too much / ’til you spend half your life just covering up…” And Aimee Mann “but can you save me / from the ranks of the freaks who suspect they could never love anyone”

I’m even more confused now than when I started. I can’t even remember what I wanted to say with this blog.

Maybe someone should submit my story to Dr. Phil (he doesn’t have any hair to tear out).

Okay, it’s 3AM and I’ve been up for almost eleven hours straight. I’m going to blame my frustration and confusion on lack of sleep.

But before I go, one final rant. As a teenager, the church knew how to beat the abstinence drum, but they sure didn’t teach shit about other aspects of relationships. But maybe it’s unfair to blame the church because schools aren’t doing it either. But where is one supposed to go to learn all this stuff? Televison? Movies? The radio? Maybe it’s supposed to be instinctual, like baby turtles knowing which way the ocean is seconds after being hatched.

Okay, that’s all. I’m going to sleep now before I start really beating myself up for not taking more risks, for not making more mistakes when I was younger, for…

Okay, that’s all. Goodnight and good-morning.

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