125. bah humbug, aka 10 reasons Randall hates Christmas
I won’t mince words. I hate Christmas – the season, the holiday, not the event it celebrates.
I hate Christmas because…
10. normal, everyday shoppers turn into animal assholes.
9. traffic in a ten mile radius around any important shopping center becomes a nightmare.
8. mindlessly cheery, cheesy, annoying, repetitive, asinine Christmas songs.
7. this is the worst time of year to be single. Valentine’s Day is one day of misery. Christmas time is at least a month of commercials with lovey-fucking-dovey couples giving one another diamonds and cars and chocolates. Makes me want to take up Buddhism and hide myself away in a monastery until January rolls around.
6. I’m a pretty generous person year-round but this time of year, for some reason I only want to buy stuff for myself…which is why I’m currently loading up my 30Gig Video iPod with songs.
5. the sun comes up later, which means it’s darker when I wake up, which means it’s harder to get up, which means I’ll probably be grouchy the rest of the day.
4. the sun goes down earlier, which means it’s easier for me to make excuses not to run, which means I’m not keeping my fitness up, which means I’m not losing weight, which means I won’t be able to impress chicks, which means I’ll be single for the rest of my life, which means I’ll never be able to buy that special someone a diamond, which means no one will ever know me well enough to buy me something that only someone who truly knows and understands me would buy, which means I’ll die old and alone and no one will remember me. Good thing I have my iPod to keep me company.
3. mediocre school bands and choirs at the mall playing mediocre arrangements on mediocre instruments.
2. Salvation Army bell ringers. I have nothing against charity. I have lots against the clang of bells designed to vibrate the fillings in your teeth. And it’s not like putting money in the can makes the noise go away, it encourages them and they start beating that damn bell louder. And never mind that you already gave at some other store, that won’t stop the next bell ringer from giving you that “cheap-ass, selfish bastard” look when you walk on by.
And the number one reason Randall hates Christmas…
1. All I’ve ever wanted for Christmas is someone special to share it with, and every year it’s another reminder of how single I am.