284. tell me about love (part 2)
Couple weekends ago I was asked to play drums at my church’s morning services (two morning services). During the second service, the band gets together during the sermon (since we’ve already heard it during the first service) and hangs out so we can get to know one another better or catch up on what’s been going on. This week, the worship leader asked an interesting ice-breaker type question. He asked us to share something that no one or very few people knew about us – something we felt comfortable sharing.
I shared that I’d never had a girlfriend but not for lack of trying. When I shared that, I thought it was something only my closest friends knew but after thinking about it later, I realized that I had already shared this fact in my blog (see entry 162). So I guess it wasn’t as much of a secret as I thought it was. Maybe I should have shared how I went skinny dipping in the ocean in the first early hours of January 1, 2000 (true story).
I’m not sure how the other members of the worship team took what I shared about being single, but it’s funny because later that day while we were packing and cleaning up after church, the worship leader asked me if I’d be willing to go out with someone who was Chinese. In jest, told him I’d go out with anyone with a pulse. The truth of the matter is, the list of things I’m looking for in a significant other is pretty long and esoteric (see blog 62 and 275) but I’m open to the idea that the person I end up with might be someone I never would have expected so consider this an invitation to set me up at will.
All that said, I’ve also written before about how after years of longing, pining, craving a girlfriend, I’ve found ample contentment as a single man. And I have. Among other things, I’ve come to appreciate the freedom being single affords. I can go where I want, when I want. I can eat whatever I want wherever I can get it. And that’s one less gift I have to buy this year.
But in the back of my mind, I know I’m missing out.
In my previous post about love, I wrote a bit about 1 Corinthians 13. Paul ends that epistle with this line, “And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love,” (1 Corinthians 13:13).
Honestly? If asked, I suppose I could rattle off a list of ideas that I think describe love but it would be like me describing the surface of the moon – I’ve seen pictures but I’ve never really been there.
And I’ve heard it said that in order to get love you’ve got to give love. But how do you give something you don’t understand? When I heard this idea, I figured the best way to show love would be to give of myself to others – to help in what ever ways I could and I think (at least I like to think) that those who know me will say that I’m someone who will drop what I’m doing at the drop of a hat if I see someone with a need that I can fill.
But what if that’s not how love works?
If I speak with human eloquence and angelic ecstasy but don’t love, I’m nothing but the creaking of a rusty gate. If I speak God’s Word with power, revealing all his mysteries and making everything plain as day, and if I have faith that says to a mountain, “Jump,” and it jumps, but I don’t love, I’m nothing. If I give everything I own to the poor and even go to the stake to be burned as a martyr, but I don’t love, I’ve gotten nowhere. So, no matter what I say, what I believe, and what I do, I’m bankrupt without love. 1 Corinthians 13:1-7
What if all the generosity I gave that I thought was love was just “the creaking of a rusty gate?”
What if I have no idea what love is?
Because (and maybe this is the secret that few people know about me) I don’t think I know what love is.
And that’s a pretty screwed up thing to write but there it is.
Well, let me clarify that a bit. Of course there are people in my life who I love – family, the guys in my band, friends back in Hawaii, new friends in Seattle – but even with these people, it’s sometimes hard for me to know how to love them. I know I love them, but how so? How do I show it, how do I live that out?
And if I have uncertainties about loving those I love, how am I supposed to love my neighbor or my enemy or Harold?
[insert long pause (say, 20mins) where I’m staring at the screen, wondering if I should write this next bit]
I hesitate to write this because, to me, it sounds terribly self-indulgent and selfish and spoiled but it’s where this entry is headed so I may as well just go there.
See. . .
I. . .
I wonder if I’m not sure what love is because I don’t think I’ve felt loved in a really long time.
Is that okay to say?
There’s a really popular book which I haven’t read but I’ve heard a lot of people talk about it so I’m vaguely familiar with its concepts. It’s called The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. In it, Chapman talks about five “languages” of love – five different ways that people experience and give love. They are:
1. Words of Affirmation
2. Quality Time
3. Receiving Gifts
4. Acts of Service
5. Physical Touch.
I don’t think I speak any of those languages.
Well, let me qualify that. I think I show love to others though acts of service. But I don’t know if that’s how I receive love. In fact, looking at Chapman’s list, I’m not sure if any of those is how I receive or feel loved.
There are lots of different versions of this Love Languages book. There’s a Men’s edition, a children’s edition, and a teenager’s edition. I think I need a geeky introvert edition. I’d feel loved if he wrote that.
I guess I write all of this to make this point. I wonder if the easiest way to learn about how to love and be loved is to, well, be in love – ideally with someone who loves you back. And so I wonder if I need to get over the comfort I’ve found as a single person and put myself back out there and try and find someone I can grow old with.
I don’t know.
So tell me about love.
What’s the best way to give and receive love?
What is it about modern society that makes it so hard to express and/
or feel loved even as we are supposedly more “connected” through cell phones and email?
Should I get off my lazy, single ass and put myself out there more?
Lastly, I got no game when it comes to dating. Does anybody think reading this book would help me learn some moves?